It has been brought to the attention of EYEBROW CENTRAL staff that a number of high powered figures in the music industry have been tapping into the inherant cosmic power of the Eyebrow to further their own selfish aims. We can officially name wholesome girl next door Britney Spears and the controversial folk rock/rap artist Eminem as leading figures in this conspiracy of the most terrible proportions.
A leaked E-Mail from the Finnish Logging Commission (FLC) first brought the matter to our attention, it appears that whenever any one of a small powerful inner circle from the pop-world elite plays a concert in Finland, it the very fabric of the Finnish ecosystem. A 5 acre portion of Finnish woodland rougthly equivelent to the size of a 5 acre field is completely stripped of all biological life - trees, woodland animals, birds, fish, day-trippers, campers and buses of orphans taking their first (and last) look at nature, all gone, leaving just a desolate, lifeless wasteland (a bit like Dave Lund's social life). At first the links seemed tenuous, but the more it happened, the more the evidence built up, only one sane conclusion could be reached -
The Eyebrows of major music industry figures are going on after concert wood binges and stripping Finland of it's thriving forests and beauty spots.
Reports suggest the trend began when it became the norm for top music industry figures to use zen meditation to calm their nerves before concerts, this road to enlightenment inevitably led to the first step along the bristly road of the thirteen steps to eyebrow harnessing nirvana. Followers with less resources often give up at step nine (the test of the curling iron), but the vast wealth and power of these dangerous youths made it possible for them to buy, cheat, lie and bluff their way to the very final step, step thirteen, the total cosmic control of your eyebrows.
Needless to say, in the hands of such self-centered, shallow egomaniacs, the true purpose of eyebrow karma was lost and instead this terrible ability was used for selfish means. At first evidence suggests it was used to improve the music (note the similarities between Britney and Eminems recent work) and as has been proven so many times before, those who abuse the sacred powers of the brow pay a terrible price. Keen observers have noticed the odd expressions Eminem and Ms Spears often pull during interviews, where their eyebrows seem to be pulling away from their forehead and they are fighting to regain control. Many less well informed have put this down to the traditional excesses of rock stardom taking their toll on the nervous system, but here at EYEBROW CENTRAL we recognise the classic symptoms of Bala-Finno-Tree-Cholo-Bal, an impossible urge to send your eyebrows on a Finnish forest eating spree.
So what can be done to stop this treeocide? Who can help the ecosystem of Finland? Well, YOU can, by E-Mailing Eminem , Britney, or their employers and asking them to seek therapy, for the sake of the trees, for the sake of the wildlife and for the sake of those poor orphans, do it now and end the slaughter.